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january 3 2020 im starting with a vent. the dog doesn't get let out enough. this isn't my dog and i feel like he is being abused. he sits in his kennel all day, and ive been checking on how often they check on him. im usually very oblvious to everyone else but how could i let a dog just sit in a kennel all day if im home? i havent seen them feed him or give him water since ive moved in, this doesn't mean they haven't taken care of him, ive just only heard them talk about it. he is very anxious without his owner, so its obvious he loves her. but he cries for hours when shes not home and even if her gf is home, who is my best friend, she doesn't let him out or care for him unless asked? they tell me to ignore him if hes in his kennel. but he is so skinny. i touched him and petted him which i only do rarely because my exczema is making me were turtle neckles, and having me constantly itch. not scratching is making me crazy, im constantly scratching and i cant stop. any triggers are too much. i think i have devloped a skin picking disorder because of the endorphins released when i scratch. which sucks. i already have a hair pulling disorder and am very scared of showing but the itching is triggered if i pet dogs. its been like this for 2 years now. ive been rarely even having sex because of how embaressed i am. so being forced to take care of this dog is heavy. but i have to. it really seems like they dont pay attention enough to him. i worry im too drunk most of the time to take of an animal. which is the realest reason why i had an abortion, but i dont have a choice. this dog is a life and i cant let him be hungry and thirsty and i cant let them not feed or give him water because they don't want to take him to the bathroom



sunday december 1 2019 i don't want to blog right now, but i feel sick and angered by someone. i am unable to uncompress how and why i feel this way.



sunday june 16 2019 i went to the bar with e, feeling almost manic. neither of us are doctors but i've been having symptoms of mania as a bipolar symptom or hypomania which i guess is a both a symptom borderline and bipolar. i dont know and i don't care right know. being diagnosed is a good thing because it helps find a community and it indicates healing and prevents/understands symptoms. anyways, had a good day. drank a lil, got sober and hung out, had an all around good summer afternoon.

we went to the bar after having sex. bought us shots and he mentioned a relationship that was horrifying for both me and the other person but with lack of better words i was an abuser in this relationship he mentioned. this relationship was intense. i was in a position of power, i was older, this person was younger. i reenacted abuse that i was taught to use as survival from my grandpa who was a sexual abuser and my rapist. i understand that i used that as position of power now, two year later. and i don't know why i mention those two things. am i saying those things to seek redemtion? or did i say that as an explaination and not an excuse? did i find my postion of power subconsciously as way not to be abused? my rapist loved me. he loved me so much he had my name tattooed. my grandpa loved the first girl he molested. he loved her so much and groomed her so much that even as a grown women in her 30's and 6 kids he still kisses her on the mouth and nobody believes she was molested because of what i listed. she still loves him i think. she cries about it, she used to cry about while it was happening mostly to me. but neither her or i could ever make it stop. those people weren't educated to not hurt people. i, thankfully was introducted to ideas that i didn't deserve what happened to me. i, thankful was introducted to ideas that i shouldnt do those things to other people.

i remember thinking when i was in this relationship where i was the abuser that i didn't have to put up with the ache they were causing me. which was them sleeping with other people, telling me my body was ugly in comparison to other people they slept with, and me carrying the weight of paying for everything while was also wanting to pay for everything because nobody did that for me, and them talking horrible things about me to other people. and leaving him puts him in a homeless position, and i did that. and still felt guilty. and let him stay at my house. and i fucked our roomate which is the person i call e and the person i wrote about in my first entry. there was toxic back and forth. but i was still the older person. i still was in an older position but still had a weird reaction where i was emotionally immature.

so e mentions all these horrible things i did to my ex at the bar. he does it in front of a bartender who doesn't like me and also i feel embarrassed. i feel like if i say "i did these horrible things because i was abused(by my abusers)" or if i found any understanding of why my therapist helped me figure out why a abused person would abuse someone... i feel like i'm invalidating a victim. i have 3 abusers. 1: my grandfather, 2: my rapist, 3: lino. i don't even want to imagine or think about what my grandpa or my rapist would say about me calling them abusers because they did not grow up in a community of accountability. lino, did, i guess. young hardcore boy. seen tons of people kicked out the community. he particulary, has never been called out because of how many people are afraid of him. he happened to me between e and between the person i was abusive to, we will call him a. i imagine what lino would say if i called him out, i wonder if he would take accountability. say he used me. maybe he would feel guilty? would he feel guilty for being abusive in the same way i feel guilty for being abusive to a? would i forgive him? do i care? does that give me healing?

when i talk about hurting a, it makes me want to kill myself. this is my journal, this isn't a fourm. my abuse is my abuse, my feelings are my feelings and my ache isn't up for critisim. im writing that because i can't just hold it in.

when i talk about being an abuser, even after i have been abused, i can't imagine living much longer. i got home i told e he bummed me out and i'll be okay later, i took 10 sleeping pills. which is not a weird suicide attempt but just a ~let me fucking sleep this off attempt~. i feel like it's okay to want to kill yourself if you become a person you cant come back from anyways, though. i can't take back fucking someone up for the rest of my life. i wanted to nurture someone and i was in no place to, instead he became a good person, maybe even a better person than if i would have stayed in his life.

i feel so guilty. i don't know if it matters. if it doesn't matter then i think it's okay to die. but saying its okay to die - is that making his abuse less important? am i just seeking validation? what am i doing? why can't the people who hurt me want to die for hurting me? why does it feel like i'm the only abuser who feels this pain? i don't know why e mentioned this painful experience to me in public. my birthday is next week, and have my exacto knives out to sElF hArM because i'M a CrAzY toXiC person. and i also just took 5 more sleeping pills because i started this almost 50 minutes ago and it's 6:50p.


When Ed awoke on March first he was filled with a self-loathing he could not endure.

"I had no desire to continue living with all the problems that were inside my head."

Unable to make a living, at age 49, Alec walked into the woods near his house and shot himself.

"I have taken my life in order to provide capital for you, it’s purely a business sensation I hope you can understand that."

"I have to undergo the constant pressure from auditsis and it's more than I can stand, I just don’t have the energy to start over. I didn’t want to mess up the house so I’m back by the canoe."


Dr. Frank Galveston had his distinguished and productive career. He had a wife and kids; to all the world he appeared to have a rich and happy life. But at age 56 Frank walked down to his favorite beach in Pensacola Florida and shot himself in the head.

"Dearest Samantha, I can no longer endure the pain, I can longer endure the pain, I can no longer endure the pain. We have often talked about when a person's time is up, and mine is now."

My fucked up life

"I came home and found our son lying dead on his bed of a gunshot wound. He had his headphones on and there was an Ozzy record on the turntable so we called our lawyer."

"I’m angry I hate you, I also, of course I’m not too satisfied with myself, I’m not taking things very well, and I'm gonna blow up the whole thing, individual tanks of filled.. and a message maybe even stated explicitly, verbally, the individual says. I hate you, you’re an evil person I, uh, want you to, uh, jump out the window, or kill yourself, or shoot yourself, or make yourself a sacrifice to the deity, and uh, goes ahead and does it."

"I just looked back and got the for me and closed my eyes, and…"

Falling, falling from my oppression
God where are you now
Falling, falling from my oppression
God where are you now
Where are you now
God where are you now
Sanctity, the devil brought to me
And he told my fate
Sanctity, sanctity, sanctity, sanctity
Sanctity, the devil brought to me
And he told my fate
Sanctity, sanctity, sanctity, sanctity



thursday june 13 2019 todays actually pretty good. started a new job today for a coffee shop that's only been open a year and i even got tipped out which is rare when training. i'm having a moment of appreciation today where i'm able to appreciate the blessings i've been given. usually i feel cursed. i was thinking about how often i have to switch jobs and how its sort of hard for me to stick to one thing. it's common for people with borderline personality disorder to do that but it's really frustrating. i'm hoping i can make a doctors appointment and talk to my doctor about how my meds have stopped working and that i might need to up them and also request a possible mood stablizer/anti physcotic? whatever helps me be functional.



wednesday june 12 2019 i'm crying. i had a moment of ache. im smoking weed which is rare and drinking beer left over from the human i was about in my last post. i was writing about what happened after that post and i felt anxious and felt i shared too much. i feel weird.



friday june 7 2019 i'm shaking. i dont know how people successfully kill themselves. i walked home holding back tears thinking that i was going to save it for when i am not in public. but here i am, at home, feeling cold and empty. i thought about how i wanted to cut the vein on my wrist while i was walking. i've never cut myself deep enough on a vein because i've always been scared. i don't want to die that way. im not going to try and make sense of this journal.

i feel like my pain doesn't matter. i feel like there is no validation or understanding to how i feel and what i experience.

him telling me to call the hotline feels like a very good reason to end my life tonight.

i am still shaking.

he says he feels taken advantage of because of today. before he came over i was writing a letter to him. it's petty and gross.

"i dont know where to begin when i talk about my frustration with you lately.

i feel used. i've always been a place to crash, i've always been able to buy you things here and there. put my name on bills, be someone you can lie to and hurt without guilt because i will always forgive you. now that we aren't dating, you finally have a place of your own, you said you could finally give back what i gave to you. instead, i feel secondary. but that is also not a new emotion with you. we've always been seeing each other off and on through out the years and i've always had to fight for your attention. for a moment i didn't have to fight this time around. but i was overwhelmed with your pressence but also with a large amount of guilt because sometimes i just wanted to be there for you. you think i like taking are of people because i like the power. sometimes you think you know me better than i know myself but i have never had the energy to be manipulative. i just want to give to others what i have always needed for myself. you told me you didn't want to hear about who i was seeing, i agreed i didn't want to hear about who you were seeing as well. the walk we took by river you mentioned you made someone dinner, it was a date and you were doing something nice. i paired that with how much you talk about liz. how often she's in your story. you again mentioned that you tried to have sex with someone and couldn't keep a boner, then blamed you not being able to get a boner because i gave you a possible std. that is indefinetly hurtful, and embaressing, for the second time, i did not give you an std. but i didn't take it personally. i think you should take responcability for your body instead of pointing fingers next time, after all you are sexually active.

you were over for 15 minutes before your interview and you already mentioned liz. i don't care if this is jealousy. we both agreed to not talk about who were are seeing. i tried to pretend i was interested in other people hoping it would sting you back, but i don't think i can. you did say that i probably couldn't hurt you. you said i couldn't be interested in russell, because he's your friend. while also today you mention seeing tobi. not that tobi is my friend anyways. you mentioned i will never be close with sophia because we broke up. so i assume everyone inluding tobi i will never be able to be close with. so no matter how i feel, you're friends with everyone. you bare the power. you hold the social capital and you could leave my life forever and there could be virtually nothing missing in your life because it would only affect me.

i feel such an ache in my chest about you. it feels like all you do is take. sometimes i feel like all anyone does when they get close to me is take.

and then i wallow in some sort of self hatred because i know how toxic and jealous and poisonious i am and i know i am mostly that way because even when i want someone to take accountability for hurting me- i've already compartalmentalized the pain they've caused and forgot what they've done in the first place. because that's what i do to survive the pain i truely feel i deserve. and i ultimetly think telling you all of these things that have caused me to be mean to you today is just going to cause the end of our friendship. because that's what happens when i ask for accountability.

i mentioned that i didn't feel like reaching out about something over text when you turned in your resume to sizzle. then you mentioned that you hated that people were reaching out and that you're sick of sad girls. i feel stupid for saying i didn't want to live through tonight. i remembered what you said after you told me to call the hotline. saying that reminds me that its nessisary to not communicate with you about things like this. it is a lot easier to be mean and then forget about it and move on. it's also a lot easier to sweep things under the rug when i remember that i don't want to be alone for another birthday and that i wanted to go the thing in gardenerville."

i'm tired. i don't want to spell check. i am going to see how many sleeping pills i can snort and do something dumb.